Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. The news was just more of the same dystopian crap we’ve seen the last few weeks, so I opted to do a little something different this week. After all, I make the rules around here. Let’s get to it.
My Favorite Quarantine Additions to My Random Ideas Folder
Okay, so you know how Jerry Seinfeld and other older comedians talk about the little notebook they carry with them everywhere they go to write down their ideas? Well, I do my version of the same - except my jeans are far too tight to carry around a notebook, so I do mine in a folder in the Notes section of my phone titled Random Ideas. The contents of the folder range from jokes to inventions to wisdom I hope I remember one day. In the rare moments over the last few weeks where I haven’t been concerned about my unemployment, my impending lease renewal, or the death of nearly 90,000 people in our country, I’ve had some outrageous additions to this folder. Without further ado, here are some of my favorites - provided without context.
I think there’s a segment of old men who think Covid-19 is a hoax, but they’re pretending to buy into the stay at home orders because they like getting to play golf every day and only working 20 hours a week.
There should be a freezer compartment of car glove boxes so the driver’s ice cream doesn’t have to melt on the way home.
Life’s all about perspective - that’s why we call it taco salad and not nachos.
Anytime I see a famous person with a ponytail and I don’t know who it is, I just assume it’s a cast member from Hamilton.
When I work from home I don’t get hungry around noon, I just get lunch time bored.
If something like ISIS were to start in the US, it would absolutely start in Boston - they’re such a close-knit community.
I’ve got a huge crush on lots of WNBA players that I know are lesbians.
Is it ruder to poop right before or right after someone cleans the bathroom?
The US is sort of just an influencer as a country - no one knows what we’re really good at but people listen.
There’s no greater insult on the planet than a southern woman calling someone the C-word.
I was an early adopter to Crohn’s.
I’d be perfectly content to never hear a cover band again for the rest of my life.
When future generations drop their phones in water, will they try and save them by putting them in quinoa?
Imagine explaining the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest to a starving African village.
I wouldn’t mind a plane I was on having a water landing just once in my life.
Things are going great.
A Night Alone
I wrote this piece on my site back in 2018 and was thinking about it this week as I missed both my city and my lady friend. Enjoy.
A Night Alone
My girlfriend was out of town last weekend. I didn’t mind the weekend alone. Saturday, I went for a long run, cleaned my apartment, and put in some serious hours on my PS4. I had an early dinner, watched Succession, and all signs were pointing to an early bed time…until I got the itch.
I never get the itch. I’m always able to curb my desires and temper the appetite I have. If I’m not able to…well, that’s what my girlfriend is for. I knew I needed to hit the streets – this wasn’t going to go away. As I descended down my apartment stairs, I felt a great sense of guilt. I tip-toed around each corner in hopes that I wouldn’t be seen making this late-night voyage.
First, I headed north. It’s a higher traffic area, and I knew I’d be more likely to find success in that direction. I made it a few blocks, but nothing caught my eye. I peered left and headed towards 2nd Avenue. My moral compass seemed to be failing me as I wandered the streets of temptation – I saw a few options that made me stop momentarily, but nothing that I wouldn’t regret in the morning.
I had a moment of clarity – I knew how disappointed my girlfriend would be if she found out. I immediately made another left and began my journey homeward. What was I thinking? I could wait until she was back in a few days. I had to.
But then, as I arrived at 1st Avenue, I was ready to throw my morality out the window. Dressed in neon colors that perfectly illuminated in the night sky was a standing representation of allure. I knew I had to have it. I began to fantasize as I approached, thinking of the temporary pleasure and ignoring the long-term consequences. But, my girlfriend kept coming back to mind. What if she returned and found the evidence in the trash – covered in a night-old, sticky, white coat of guilt?
Instead of going home, I made one more left, a responsible choice, and headed to the fruit stand. It wasn’t what I was craving, but it would have to do. In the sanctitude of relationships, there are some lines that can’t be crossed. Despite how tempting 16 Handles looked, there was no way I could get ice cream without my girlfriend.
That’s all for this week. As always, thanks for reading and spreading the word. Same time next week.
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