Like many others, this week was my first week back in the office. It was a huge shock to my system, and it wasn’t without its mistakes. I jotted down a list throughout the week of things I wish I hadn’t done, and figured I could share them with you all so you don’t make the same mistake when you return to the office.
1) Leave personal tabs open when you’re away from your computer
While you may be Googling “things little boys love” for ideas for your nephew’s upcoming birthday, your coworkers may not know that, and may be alarmed.
2) Bike to work on your first day back
Environmentally this may be a solid decision, but we all know that you can’t bike without wearing those cute little shorts with the butt pads, and it’s a little jarring for that to be your coworkers to be what you’re wearing the first time they see you.
3) Wear flashy shoes
One of the forgotten parts about returning to the office is that you’ll likely be sharing bathrooms with your coworkers again. If you’re wearing flashy shoes, there’s a chance that your coworker might walk into the bathroom while you’re seated on the toilet and see your shoes and assume that whatever it smells like in there is your fault. You know that it was someone else who stunk the joint up, but that person doesn’t, and they’ll just know that whoever was wearing the flashy shoes blew up the bathroom, and they’ll likely tell all their coworkers that you’re a notorious bathroom bomber.
4) Challenge your boss
Physically, I mean. While I know it’s tempting to do now that you’re in person, it’s best to avoid challenging your boss to physical competitions. Even if you think they are incorrect about the Q2 numbers, it’s unlikely that an arm wrestling match will resolve things.
5) Baseball slide into the elevator as the door closes
While this is particularly fun when you’re wearing your cycling shorts with butt pads, it leaves quite a strange impression on your coworkers. Just wait for the next one.
6) Trick your coworkers into thinking there’s a new coffee machine that makes great coffee on the other side of the floor so that they all leave to go to that one and there’s no line and you can get coffee without waiting
It really works like a charm when people haven’t been in the office for so long, but this one seems to have had some lasting negative effects towards my office relationships, so I have to advise against it.
7) Interrupt other people’s meetings to make sure they know where the fire escapes are
Much like biking to work, this one could be a real life saver, but when I tried this I was told it was “inappropriate” and “unprofessional”. I’ll try again next week once people are a little more settled in.
8) Yell “guys, I just saw a mouse in the break room!” and take your coworkers over there only to reveal that it’s a computer mouse that you put there
The mild chuckles aren’t worth the head shakes and disappointed looks in this case.
9) Order lunch for everyone and have it delivered and be the real hero for a moment and then call your credit card company and pretend you got hacked and try and get them to refund the charges
While your coworkers will love you for this one, you may find yourself out upwards of $600 when the credit card company determines that you were not hacked and refuses to reimburse you.
10) Give coworkers gifts
This was the one that I couldn’t believe didn’t go over well - it’s a gift for crying out loud! While at a gift shop in Virginia last summer, I found this cute, little figurine of an army man on a horse that said Lee on it. When I saw it, it immediately made me think of my coworker Lee, so I bought one for him. When I came into the office this week, I put it on his desk with a note that said “Just like old times” because we’re finally back in the office together. Well, get this – Lee reported me to HR for this gesture and said it was “wildly offensive” and “remarkably ignorant timing”. Apparently people aren’t in the mood for welcome back gifts in week one, so stay away from this entirely.
I hope you all can learn from some of my mishaps and have a better first week back than I did. And if any of you have any connections with the fraud department at American Express, please let me know.