Jan 12

Jan 12 Laugh Through The Payne 1/12/20

Happy half birthday to me, and welcome to the first edition of Laugh Through the Payne. I can’t say it enough - I appreciate all of you who have subscribed thus far, and if you enjoy it, please help me spread the word. It’s been a really scary week in the world, so hopefully this inaugural edition can spread some laughter. Let’s get to it.

What the Hell Happened this Week?

As a result of the brushfires, an Australian family was trapped in a movie theater for 6 whole days before being rescued. When the rescue team came, the family asked if they could wait 20 more minutes because they were just getting to the good part of The Irishman.

One of America’s largest milk suppliers, Borden Dairy Co., filed for bankruptcy this week and reported over $100 million in debt. The root of their financial struggles reportedly stemmed from an internal misunderstanding about what it meant to “skim the price”.

A dentist in Las Vegas burned one of his 5-year-old patients this week as he accidentally set her mouth on fire during a routine procedure. The firemen that came to put the fire out said that they could’ve resolved the matter faster had they been given a regular hose.

Wheel of Fortune got a new cast member this week as Pat Sajak’s daughter stepped in to help host in her father’s absence. If you’re unfamiliar with Sajak’s daughter, her name is Chrltt, as her parents were too cheap to buy vowels when they named her.

A new celebrity couple stunned the world at the Golden Globes as Rachel Bilson and Bill Hader made their first public appearance as a couple. I don’t see why it’s so shocking - it makes perfect sense for someone from The OC to date a Californian.

Presdential candidate Elizabeth Warren shocked her base this week when confessing that she never washes her face, and only uses Ponds. Marianne Williamson, the latest to drop out of the Democratic race, chimed in and said that she prefers to use lakes.

The state of Ohio is considering a proposal that would allow being a Cincinnati Bengals fan to justify a prescription for medical marijuana. Bengals fans rebutted that there must be a confusion, as it wasn’t marijuana they were hoping for next year, just a heavier dose of Green.

Carnival Cruise announced an update to their dress code this week that bans apparel that promotes hateful ideas or contains lewd images. Unfortunately, the rules only apply to apparel, so while it is a lewd image, your uncle is still allowed to take his shirt off.

A story broke from ESPN this week that Cavs’ coach John Beilein accidentally called his players “thugs” in a team meeting when he meant to say “slugs”. The players were actually relieved to hear that Beilein has had issues with mixing up “th” and “sl”, as it explained why he had repeatedly told them how “thick” they looked in their dress pants.

Parents and consumers worldwide can breathe easy this week as a clinical study revealed no strong link between baby powder and cancer. However, the same study did reveal a strong correlation between baby powder and another serious medical condition - swamp ass.