Laugh Through The Payne 1/19/20
Happy Sunday, everyone, and welcome to the second edition of Laugh Through The Payne. A big thank you to all of you who have subscribed and were able to conquer that pesky confirmation email - I knew I had a smart following. It was a wild week (as they all seemingly are lately) - let’s get to it.
What the Hell Happened This Week?
The democratic debate was headlined with controversy on Tuesday as Elizabeth Warren claimed that Bernie Sanders told her that “A woman can’t win”. The accusation felt a little out of context, as Warren failed to mention that Sanders was referring to this year’s Oscars race for Best Director.
The future of ride-sharing headed to the skies this week as Uber and Hyundai unveiled their joint prototype for a flying taxi. The vehicle will come in two models - with or without vomit already in the back seat.
A biometric study done by a college in London concluded that the thrill of watching a movie can have similar benefits for your heart as exercising. For those looking to really push their hearts and maximize their workouts, I recommend one of my favorite routines - watching Titanic while on a rowing machine.
In exchange for a donation to an elephant conservation fund, Meghan Markle announced a new contract to be a voice actor for Disney animated productions. Queen Elizabeth said she was thrilled to see Meghan’s name next to elephant and Disney in the news, as she’s been referring to the Dutchess as Dumbo for weeks.
Eminem surprised the world with the release of his 11th studio album on Friday, titled Music to be Murdered By. The album was immediately criticized by listeners and described as a detriment to Eminem’s legacy. Luckily for Eminem, he wasn’t the only white guy that peaked in 2000 who damaged his legacy this week.
In unfortunate news, Bose announced this week that they’ll be closing more than 100 stores across the country. Even worse, their noise cancellation technology works so well that most of their employees still haven’t heard about the layoffs.
In response to Facebook’s controversial ad policy, famed Luke Skywalker actor Mark Hammill announced that he will be quitting the platform altogether. While I’m sure the ad policy is partly responsible, I think the main reason Hammill is deleting his account is because he’s getting tired of his dad’s nonstop political posts.
Spotify rolled out their new Pet Playlists on Wednesday with the goal of relaxing people’s animals while they’re away from home. The song selection process could certainly use a little more creativity - I found it a little on the nose that the Dogs playlist was just a bunch of songs by Bow Wow and David Ruffin.
On Thursday, a Chicago man injured 5 when he accidentally drove his pickup truck into a local Starbucks. The man actually ended up driving away without being caught, as the barista who wrote his license plate down spelled it wrong.
Lastly, being the avid sports fan I am, many people reached out this week asking me to make light of the Houston Astros cheating scandal. As a sign of respect to those who lost their jobs, I refrained from commenting or joking about the story and its ramifications. The Astros actually reached out and told me they appreciated that sign of respect, and apologized for stealing it.
Long(er) Form Stuff
Just click the buttons - we’re getting fancy here in Week 2.
“…Here’s where things simultaneously go off the rails but become incredibly cost-effective”
“…There is simply no reason for the blow dryer to ever drop below shoulder height, and it certainly should never go below the waist”
Thanks for reading, everyone, and continue to spread the word and sign up your relatives when they’re not looking!
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