Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. In recent weeks, it’s been difficult to write this newsletter because the news has been so sad. That continued this week, but along with the sad news came a wave of news stories that were so absurd/funny on their own that it was difficult to even joke about them. I’m really looking forward to a day in the future where the news in our country can fall somewhere in between again. Let’s get to it.
What The Hell Happened This Week?
In Thursday’s White House briefing, President Trump stunned medical professionals across the nation as he suggested that there could be potential Coronavirus treatments by injecting disinfectant products into the human body. Later in Trump’s press conference, he questioned what the fuss was about with all the ventilators when we’ve got plenty of cans of these lying around to suck on instead.
In Friday’s press conference, Trump backtracked on his earlier statements and said that he wasn’t serious about his ideas to inject humans with UV light or disinfectant, and that the reporters in the room just didn’t understand his sarcasm. Very little was accomplished in the rest of the session, as Trump and a reporter from the New York Times got into a heated debate about whether or not “take backsies” were allowed at pandemic press conferences.
While there’s still a great deal of uncertainty, reports from Chinese and Japanese intel this weekend concluded that North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, died from complications of a heart surgery at the young age of 36. Almost everyone around the world was relieved by the potential death of North Korea’s authoritarian leader, except for Billy Joel’s publicist, who spent the entire weekend trying to convince people that 36 is older than you’d think.
When you think of Kim Jong Un, the first thing that comes to mind is how he’s been so progressive in his advocacy for women during his reign, so it should come as no surprise that his appointed successor is his sister, Kim Yo Jong. Barring any email scandals, it’s really refreshing to see women’s advancement in politics!
Moving just across the Sea of Japan, the mayor of Osaka, Japan’s third-largest city, publicly announced that men should be grocery shopping amid the Covid-19 pandemic because women are too indecisive and will spend too much time in stores. Knowing how much men love making decisions, the mayor’s wife was kind enough to give him the choice of sleeping in the living room or the guest bedroom that night.
Shifting gears back to the US, we finally got a taste of sports this week as the NFL held the first ever virtual draft. The draft was a ratings hit and generally well received, but some viewers were frustrated that Commissioner Roger Goodell didn’t take things seriously as he hosted from home and eventually started announcing picks while seated in his recliner. The commissioner’s lax behavior at home was especially frustrating given his history, as this is far from the first time Goodell has been accused of not taking a domestic issue seriously enough.
In a decision that’s indicative of where we’re at the in the world right now, the New York Times announced that they will temporarily stop printing both the Sports and Travel sections of their newspapers. Times readers worried that they won’t be getting the same value for their subscription can rest easy, though, as the paper announced that they will be replacing those two sections will a new, dense section titled “Stupid Shit Georgia is Doing”.
According to new valuations done by the magazine, Forbes announced that Kanye West is officially a billionaire, as his net worth has soared to a whopping $1.3 billion. Those close to West are extremely nervous about the valuation, as they fear the billionaire label may make West lose sight of the modesty he’s known and loved for.
Due to a lack of knowledge about when things will be relatively normal again, Scripps has decided to cancel this year’s Spelling Bee. The cancellation was absolutely devastating for the kids who were on their way to competing in the bee this year, as they’ve spent the last few months tirelessly learning how to spell the names of malaria drugs.
I Injected Myself With 10 Different Household Liquids, Read About My Amazing Results!
After hearing the incredible news that Lysol injections can treat Covid-19, I decided to inject myself with other liquids around the house in hopes that I’d reap medical benefits. In a word, the results were incredible. I can’t believe we haven’t been doing this for years. These are the 10 products I injected and their effects, feel free to share any that you have luck with!
1) Milk
We all know milk is good for your bones when you drink it, but what happens when you inject it? Well, it turns out the effects are amplified. After injecting some 2% near its expiration date, I’m now 6’5. I’m hoping to do some more studies about how the fat percentage affects the height gains, but am hesitant as I don’t want to get too close to being 7’ tall.
2) Listerine
Within minutes of injecting Listerine (Spearmint), all of my teeth fell out. Minutes after that, a whole new set of perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth grew in in their place. Also, I developed a distaste for citrus.
3) Balsamic Vinaigrette
I’m fluent in Italian now.
4) Hot Glue
Unfortunately, I fell down several flights of stairs at my parents’ ranch this week and broke every bone in my body. Shortly after injecting myself with hot glue, the bones were fully healed. On top of that, the warmth of the glue provided a soothing effect, sort of like the inverse of menthol.
5) Gatorade
No medical advancements - my sweat was just neon orange like those commercials in the early 2000s.
6) Apple Cider Vinegar
I don’t have HIV, but after injecting ACV (with the Mother), I’m now confident I’m immune and couldn’t contract it even if I tried.
7) Dish Soap
When I get in bathtubs now, it starts to bubble immediately. No suds required. Trying to stick to showers as this one can get out of control quickly.
8) Diet Coke
Diet Coke isn’t typically a young man’s drink, so the results here weren’t too surprising. After injecting myself with the sugar-free soda, I started telling everyone I knew about why I thought Roth IRAs were superior and how much gas cost when I was in high school.
9) WD-40
Honestly, I thought this was going to help with my achy joints and serve as a lubricant, but boy was I wrong. The WD-40, consumed intravenously, eliminated any squeaking from my singing voice. I gained a whole octave in my falsetto - it’s really beautiful and my high notes sound like Usher now.
10) Pepto Bismol
I had long suspected that shooting myself up with the Bismol would do this, but had never been able to stomach the courage to try. My suspicions were correct - just 1 teaspoon of the sweet, sweet pink stuff into my right arm, and boom, my Crohn’s was cured. It was a gastrointestinal miracle, and I’m so excited about the advancements we made in science this week. I’ll keep trying more liquids this week (fabric softener on Tuesday!) and report back!
That’s all for this week. Everybody stay safe and please ignore any medical advice not given by a doctor (not even Joe Rogan). Same time next week.
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