Welcome to the Easter edition of Laugh Through The Payne. Hopefully this serves as a resurrection of laughter after another sad week in the world. I’ve got a new segment for you this week that I think you’ll enjoy. Let’s get to it.
Unreal News
(News headlines that aren’t real, but aren’t that far off from being real. Basically, The Onion-style headlines, I’m just not going to give them the satisfaction of calling it that.)
Woman Feels Bad Bothering Overworked Hospital Staff with Her Ruptured Spleen
Wisconsin Voter Doesn’t Feel Strongly About Issues, Just Happy to be a Part of Something Again
The Bachelor Fires Producer After Losing Ratings Battle Vs. President’s Pandemic Briefings
Dog Rescued from Local Shelter Was Hoping It Would Have a Little More Alone Time
Table Tennis Star Unsure He’ll Still Be in His Prime for 2021 Olympic Games
Local Mother’s Guacamole in Jeopardy After Not Getting to Feel Avocados for Ripeness
President Trump Down to Last 3 Synonyms for "Great” in His Thesaurus
Unemployment Office Worker Says She’s Never Felt Such Job Security
Hong Kong Pandas Would’ve Picked More Intimate Position Had They Known Sex Tape Would Leak
Boris Johnson Hopes Wife Won’t Cheat On Him While He’s Hospitalized, “That’s Kind of My Thing”
Yankee Stadium Hot Dog Vendor Afraid It Will Be a Down Year for His Calves
Fox News Host Says He Misses Talking About Fun Topics Like Abortion
Louisiana MegaChurch Pastor Puts on HazMat Suit Before Counting Easter Sunday Collection Plate
Dad Enjoying eSports on TV More Than He’s Letting On
Michael Jackson’s Estate Confident the Singer Would’ve Loved Tik Tok
Waffle House CEO Worried About Textural Integrity of Delivery Hash Browns After Striking Deal With Postmates
Squeaky Shopping Cart Wheel Drives Man Over the Edge In Unusually Quiet Dairy Aisle
What The Hell Happened This Week?
The Wisconsin primaries led to contentious conversation this week as the topic of voting by mail became the focus of American politics. Many Republicans are terrified of the idea as they’re afraid high voter turnout will lose them the election, while President Trump’s main hang up is that he can’t imagine how expensive it will be to mail everyone their “I Voted” stickers.
A tiger in the Bronx Zoo is reportedly in stable condition after becoming the first animal to test positive for Covid-19. So while there may be no golf this year, it will be the second consecutive Masters Sunday that we get to spend cheering for a tiger to return to full strength.
UFC Founder Dana White announced early this week that he’s purchasing a private island to host UFC fights amid the pandemic, and that the his sport would be the first one to return. White needs to be cautious, as things didn’t turn out so well for the last guy that bought a private island to host half-naked wrestling.
It’s easy to make fun of the Houston Astros given what we’ve learned the last few months, but I must give credit where it’s due. Astros Third Baseman Alex Bregman is starting a $1 million initiative called FEEDHOU to help feed the hungry in his city. Bregman said he knew he needed to jump into action when he heard the banging sound of hungry Houstonians rummaging through his trash can.
The MLB surprised fans everywhere this week when they announced that they were in the process of developing a plan that would allow baseball to start as early as May by playing all games in Arizona. The setup for games would be quite different, including robot umpires, 7 inning double-headers, and players being forced to sit 6 feet apart in the stands instead of in the dugout. So if baseball was worried about pace of play before, they’re really going to be frustrated when a pinch hitter has to come down from the upper deck for his at bat.
After paying $2 million for pandemic insurance each of the last 17 years, Wimbledon will reportedly be collecting a $144 million check for the cancellation of this year’s tournament. So if you’re looking for another sign as to why the US was behind in all of this, look no further than the fact that while a tennis pavilion was planning for a pandemic, the First Lady was planning a tennis pavilion.
The economic downswing tackled yet another industry this week as the NRA was force to lay off 60 employees. The association warned that another wave of cuts may have to be made soon if things don’t improve. So if you’re looking for any solace in this, know that NRA employees finally understand how other people feel - constantly afraid of being victims of the next round of firings.
Allstate announced on Thursday that they will be paying back more than $600 million in auto premiums because people are driving so much less now. The payout is going to be a huge financial loss for the insurance company, so they must not be as prepared for mayhem as they’ve been letting on.
Bernie Sanders’s passionate following was devastated this week as the progressive candidate dropped out of the Democratic race for president. They shouldn’t hang their heads for long though because Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced he is giving $1 billion to Covid-19 relief, and nothing makes Sanders’s base happier than billionaires giving their money away and Twitter.
A pizza restaurant in Arizona announced that they are going to start delivering their pizzas via robots to avoid human interactions. There’s no confirmation yet as to whether or not these are the same robots the MLB is planning to have umpire their games.
That’s all for this week. Stay safe and healthy, everyone. Same time next week.
Send any comments, questions, or general affection to laughthroughthepayne@gmail.com