Welcome to Laugh Through the Payne! I found this week especially dreadful and was constantly searching for light-hearted things that could make me laugh - I hope this can be just that for all of you. Let’s get to it.
URGENT: Plan for Relaunching of the Effingham, Illinois Wednesday Night Men's Doubles Bowling League at Silver Dollar Lanes
Hello Bowlers!
As I’m sure you all have heard, Mayor Schutzback has finally begun to loosen up the stay-at-home order for our area. Starting June 1st, residents of Effingham will be allowed to resume gathering in groups of up to 25, and since our league has 10 teams of 2, we’ll be able to finish up the season! It’s such a shame that the pandemic interrupted what was shaping up to be a historic league here at Silver Dollar Lanes, but after 13 weeks of waiting, we will soon be able to crown a rightful champion. In order to comply with the city and state’s reopening regulations things are going to be a little different over the last 2 weeks of the season, but rest assured that we’re doing everything we can here at Silver Dollar Lanes to make sure that our bowlers feel as safe as ever. As long as we’re able to adhere to the following guidelines, the league is set to resume on Wednesday June 3 at 7:00 PM:
In order to maintain social distancing, teams will bowl on even-numbered lanes only. We will use Lanes 2-20.
In the unlikely event that a member of the league tests positive for Covid-19, that bowler’s team will be placed in isolation in Lane 54.
Pitchers of beer will not be sold from the bar in hopes that this will limit the spread of germs between team members. Bottles will be sold at a prorated price competitive to our Wednesday night pitcher deal.
Try and limit high-fiving and celebrations to just the big accomplishments. We’ll look the other way if you get carried away after a 4-bagger, but there’s no reason to be making contact with your teammate because you picked up an easy spare.
A can of Lysol spray will be placed at each lane. If you fear that the ball you’re using has been contaminated, feel free to spray the finger holes. We ask that you avoid spraying the actual surface of the ball, as the acidity rubs off on the lanes and wears them down.
No spectators permitted. I know the Wednesday night league tends to draw 6 or 7 people from the juniors’ league who like to stick around and watch, but I will ask them to leave as to stay safely under our capacity of 25.
Larry’s partner, Gus, passed away from the virus several weeks ago. Larry will continue to roll as usual, and the average of Gus’s scores from the first 7 weeks (187) will be added to his total to get their team score.
Please limit cigarette breaks to 1 per game bowled and try and take yours at different times than other bowlers. We’d like to minimize traffic at the side door.
We have added a third shoe cleaner to our staff, so we can almost guarantee every pair will be cleaned between weeks of the league. For whatever reason, we have a lot of 10.5s in our Monday night league, so we will do our best to make sure there are clean 10.5s by Wednesday evening as I know a couple of you like a more snug fit and size down from your usual 11s.
The arcade will remain closed.
That’s it! Not so bad, right? Thank you all for your patience as we worked through these trying times. If you’re interested in our late summer league, we’ll have sign ups available at the counter. We can’t wait to get this league rolling again!
P.S. If anyone has contact information for Ron and Jeff from the Bowl Movements team, please send it my way! They listed their mailing addresses in the email address space on the sign up sheet. Thanks!
Unexpected Allies
Have people spent your whole life treating you as a companion to something else rather than recognizing you for the strong, independent creation you are on your own? If you answered yes, you’re likely a woman...or a tortilla chip.
You see, the parallels between the struggles of the two are countless (there are at least 2). Women are treated as if they’re a vehicle for marriage, while tortilla chips are treated merely as a vehicle to a variety of salsas and dips. The reality is that both creations are incredible and worthy of appreciation on their own. Women are great – they’re better at leading countries through pandemics, they typically provide more useful commentary as judges on Chopped, and they’re responsible for zero mass shootings in the US. Tortilla chips are great too! They’re a nice salty chip that isn’t overly greasy like potato chips, and they’re also responsible for zero mass shootings in the US. Sadly, society has a hard time accepting both tortilla chips and women for their unaccompanied, independent greatness.
As if the game wasn’t rigged against them already, things are even worse for the ones of color. The world doesn’t want something that looks like this to succeed on its own. If you’re not willing to eat a purple tortilla chip without any dip, maybe you should do some reflecting on how you value the world around you – they’re all corn on the inside.
The game has been rigged against both women and tortilla chips, and I’m proud to consider myself an ally of both. I hope you’ll find it in your heart (and stomach) to do the same.
That’s all for this week. If you enjoyed, get your friends to sign up for this - you owe it to me. Same time next week.
Send any questions, comments, or general affection to laughthroughthepayne@gmail.com