Welcome to Laugh Through The Payne. It’s been a rough couple weeks for our country, but this week has made me optimistic that we’re headed in the direction of progress (except in terms of that whole pandemic thing that our federal government continues to pretend doesn’t exist). I know last week’s newsletter was heavy, so I tried to keep it lighter this week with a heavy dose of my favorite segment to write, Unreal News. Let’s get to it.
Unreal News
President Trump Enjoying New Bible So Much He’s Considering Hosting Weekly Meetings to Discuss It
Atlanta Strip Club Now Open 8AM-4PM to Adhere to Local Curfew
New York City Reports 0 Covid-19 Deaths for First Time in 2 Months, But Sees 800% Increase In Deaths From Getting Run Over by NYPD
White House Releases President Trump’s Physical Results Along With Screenshot of Him on the Leaderboard in Peloton Class
Drew Brees Hoping Second Wave Hits This Fall and Cancels NFL Season So He Doesn’t Have to Pretend Anymore
Police Officer Puts Black Square Over His Badge Number to Honor Blackout Tuesday
Agency Spends $75,000 on Consumer Research to Figure Out Whether or Not We’re Still in “Trying” Times
Rand Paul Argues on Senate Floor that He Should Be Allowed to Say N-Word if it’s in a Song
Buffalo Police Department Vows to Take “Pent-Up Anger” out of Requirements Section of Job Description
White House Adds “Beware of Dog” Sign to New Perimeter Fences
National Tensions Regarding Race and Politics Cause Proactive Midwestern Family to Cancel Thanksgiving in June
Hillary Clinton Admits She Thought Antifa Was Related to Pokemon Go
BangBros Lays Off Entire MILFs Department in Covid-19 Related Cuts
Influencer Deletes Black Square Post After 10 Hours Over Fears That It Might Ruin Her Aesthetic
Man With Ill-Fitting Mask Going to Just Stay Home Now After Clever Teens Called Him Diaper Face
Dallas Police Officer Earns MLB Tryout After Video Surfaces of Him Swinging Baton at Peaceful Protester
Ben & Jerry’s Take Activism One Step Further By Announcing a Black Raspberry Flavor Collaboration with NWA
Which One’s Higher?!
After several months off, we finally appear to be headed towards the return of major sports leagues as the NBA announced this week that they will resume their season on July 31st. With so much excitement coming in the sports world over the last 6 months of the year, here are some fun prop bets to try and play along with for the rest of 2020. Just answer: Which One’s Higher?!
Drew Brees Interception Total in 2020 Season vs. Drew Brees Public Apologies (Currently at 4)
Number of fans in attendance at Alabama’s first football game this fall vs. Number of Clay Travis tweets that get flagged by Twitter’s fact checkers
Number of games played by the MLB in 2020 vs. Number of dollars President Trump donates to Black Lives Matter organizations
Number of sex workers that get caught being in the NBA Bubble in Orlando vs. Number of NBA players that miss games due to testing positive for Covid-19
Rob Gronkowski Regular Season Touchdown Total vs. Number of times Black Lives Matter is mentioned on the broadcast throughout the entire NHL playoffs
Number of Covid-19 deaths in the US by the time the NBA Finals are over vs. Number of points scored in the entire NBA season
That’s all for this week. I think we had a difficult, but productive week in our country (again, except for that whole virus thing that everyone has started to ignore) - let’s keep doing that over and over again until our country is in a better place. In the meantime, I’ll keep making dumb jokes along the way. Same time next week.
Send any questions, comments, or general affection to laughthroughthepayne@gmail.com