Unreal News 2/21/21

CDC Offering Free Vaccinations on Your Birthday if You Sign Up For Their Email List

Local Grandparent Says CBD Oil Has Really Helped Ease the Pain of Being Married to the Wrong Person for 50 Years.

Ted Cruz Denies Ever Going to Cancun In Strange Press Conference With Flower in his Hair

Hulu CEO Clarifies that the Ads on the Platform Aren’t “Commercials”, Just “Breaks for Advertisements”

NHL’s Outdoor Game in Lake Tahoe Delayed After a Squirrel is Found Frozen in the Ice

Man Violates Local Gym’s Covid Locker Room Policies By Blow Drying His Testicles Without a Mask On

Governor Cuomo to Start Holding Daily Press Conferences Again to Remind Everyone How Much They Liked Him a Year Ago

Rush Limbaugh’s Children Remember Their Father, “He Was Always the Same Guy at Home as He Was On-Air, Racism and Homophobia Included”

Snowman’s Melting Midriff Starting to Look a Lot like Ass Cheeks

Local Hermit Finds CDC’s Double-Masking Recommendation A Bit Dramatic

Texas Governor Abbott Vows Consistency, “You Have My Word - We Will Be Equally Unprepared Next Time This Happens”

Man Attempts To Retract Tip on Pickup Order After Discovering Restaurant Staff Didn’t Honor His No Pickles Request

NBA Names 10 All Star Starters As Well As 215 Reserves In Case Any Players Test Positive for Covid-19

Boris Johnson Breaks Local Covid Restrictions to Go Get His Hair Cut by Worst-Performing Student in Manchester Beauty School

Texas GOP Leader Blames Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for Unseasonably Cold Weather

NASA’s Perseverance Rover Finds Extensive Supply of Cosmic Brownies on Surface of Mars

An Exclusive Interview With the Man Who Sat Next to Ted Cruz on His Flight to Cancun

25 Disqualifications for the Next Round of Stimulus Checks