As you may have heard, President Biden is working hard to ensure that another round of stimulus checks ($1400 this time) are delivered to the American people. However, amid concerns that there are too many people who don’t need the stimulus, there has been talk from both sides in the last couple weeks about means-testing this next round of payments. Initially, there was discussion about limiting the $1400 checks to anyone who makes $50,000 or less, but based on new documentation I’ve received from my source, it seems they’re going to be even more stringent than that. I’ve obtained a list of 25 automatic disqualifications for the next round of payments.
You are not eligible for the next round of stimulus checks if you have ever:
Ordered double meat at Chipotle
Been inside of a Tesla (even if it was an Uber)
Subscribed to Hulu without ads
Worked out at a gym that had complimentary towels
Paid the extra $13 to get a window seat on Delta
Worn an ascot
Parked somewhere illegally and been completely okay with the possibility of getting a ticket
Ordered fish from a restaurant at “market price” without knowing what market price was
Owned a Blu Ray player
Eaten at a country club
Purchased an extended warranty
Been to France (WW2 veterans excluded)
Gone snowboarding
Legally purchased a fight instead of streaming it
Tipped over 25% for mediocre service
Drank something made in a juicer
Left your thermostat at a temperature lower than 68 degrees when you left the house on a hot summer day
Thought about truffle oil
Bought organic paper towels
Ordered an entree outside of the 2/$20 special because you felt getting what you wanted was more important than staying within the framework of the deal
Not given your email to a website in exchange for 10% off your first order
Bought premium gasoline
Been inside a mall that has a “The Art of Shaving” store
Had a pair of jeans dry cleaned
Truly ridiculous! It’s going to take months to determine who has tipped more than 25% for mediocre service, and for that reason alone, we should just give checks to every American instead.