Tyson Foods announced on Friday that 91% of their entire workforce has been vaccinated against Covid-19. The company’s CEO said that the other 9% are chickens.
Scientists at McGill University announced a massive breakthrough this week as they developed a new form of glass that’s completely unbreakable. “Take that, feminists!” said male business executives across the country.
R&B singer R. Kelly finally met his fate this week and was convicted of 11 charges of racketeering and sex trafficking by a federal jury in New York. Asked about the volume of charges against him, Kelly was devastated, citing that 11 is basically 18.
In news about non-sexual-predator singers, Shakira told police that she lost her purse when she was attacked by 2 wild boars while vacationing in Rome this week. Authorities found the story a bit far fetched, but were inclined to believe the singer on account of the honesty of her hips.
In an interview on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Jerry Seinfeld apologized for the undertones of a sexual relationship between a woman and a bee in his 2007 film, Bee Movie. The comedian said that in retrospect, he wishes he would’ve avoided the undertones and just added a sex scene between the two.
Citing his age and injuries, sumo wrestling Grand Champion Hakuho announced that he will be retiring from the sport at age 36. Hakuho has had a huge impact on the sport, but will be best remembered for using his body to make a dent in the record book.
After a lengthy legal battle, Britney Spears father, Jamie, was finally removed from the singer’s conservatorship on Thursday, effectively freeing the former pop star from her legal chokehold. Spears took to Instagram shortly after the announcement and posted a video of herself dancing topless, which was on awesome decision, because nothing screams “I don’t need parenting” like posting topless videos on Instagram.
The Spanish Government announced that starting in 2023 they’ll implement a national ban on fruits and veggies that are sold in plastic wrapping. The announcement marks one big step forward for the environment, but one big step backwards for those of us who like to eat our corn with the plastic still on.
Barring an agreement to raise the national debt ceiling, the United States is reaching an inflection point as the federal government is projected to run completely out of money on October 18th. So if you see your local congressperson washing cars in a bikini this weekend, don’t be alarmed.
That’s all for this week. Same time next week.