In honor of the passing of the wonderful Norm Macdonald, I decided to go back to some Weekend Update style jokes this week. Let’s get to it.
California’s recall election took place on Tuesday and the attempt to remove Governor Gavin Newsom ended up being incredibly unsuccessful. Among Newsom’s opponents, reality star Caitlyn Jenner ended up receiving just 1.2% of the vote - a massive disappointment given her investment in the campaign. Asked about the poor performance, Jenner blamed sexism and said she would’ve received more votes if she was a man.
The MET Gala was in New York City on Monday, and some of the biggest names in pop culture joined up to show off their bold, striking outfits. One of the surprise attendees was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who stirred up a controversy by sporting a dress that said “TAX THE RICH” across the back. Even more surprising was Elizabeth Warren’s appearance, as the senator showed up in a grey pantsuit with an essay about tax loopholes printed across the back.
Nicki Minaj caused quite the stir this week as she came out as Anti-vax with a tweet about her cousin’s friend’s balls swelling up as a result of getting vaccinated.
Now a bachelor, the affected man is reportedly spending time hanging out with his guy friends he lost touch with, and is ironically calling the get-togethers “vaccine man-dates”.
Our favorite cute and chubby dictator is looking less chubby these days as new photos show North Korean leader Kim Jong Un looking slim and trim after losing a significant amount of weight since his last public appearance. Asked what fueled his weight loss, Kim Jong Un attributed most of his success to intermittent fascism.
On Monday Night’s game against the Ravens, Raiders defensive end Carl Nassib made history as he became the first openly gay player to play in an NFL game. Unfortunately, Nassib stuck out like a sore thumb in the game, as he was the only player on the field not slapping his teammates’ asses between plays.
As the numbers continue to pile up, the US reached a devastating milestone this week as 1 in 500 citizens has now died of Covid-19. While the number is jarring, it really pales in comparison to the number of testicles that have been ruined in Trinidad.
In an effort to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, a group of researchers in New Zealand trained a group of cattle to go to the bathroom in a designated area with a product called the MooLoo. Asked about what inspired this project, the lead researcher said “just a bunch of bull shit”.
74 year old Elton John has moved all of his remaining 2021 tour dates to 2023 as he reportedly took a vicious fall and will have to have his hip replaced. The singer said the main reason for the delay is because it wouldn feel dishonest to sing “I’m Still Standing” while sitting in a wheelchair.
Thanks to a huge rise in popularity over the last few years, leaders of the American Cornhole League now have their sights set on adding the sport to the Olympics in the near future. Adding cornhole to the Olympic games would be a massively historic step, as the competitors would become the first athletes to not have lots of sex in the Olympic village.
Apple is finally into the teens with their iPhones as the company announced four new versions of the iPhone 13 at their launch event on Tuesday. CEO Tim Cook said that the move into the teens will bring great developments to the phones, including a longer battery life and a generally more angsty vibe.
A genetics professor at Harvard and his team have secured $15 million dollars in funding to use gene splicing to bring a wooly mammoth to life by the year 2027. Asked about the tough road ahead, the professor said things are going to be pretty hairy along the way.
A study in Sweden of more than 400,000 participants found that skiers are nearly 60% less likely to be diagnosed with anxiety than those who don’t ski. One scientist from the study said he believes skiers are able to avoid feeling anxious thanks to an “it’s all downhill from here” mentality.
That’s all for this week. Same time next week.