By all accounts, Tuesday was a normal workday. Small talk was being made, work was being done, and everyone had the shared sadness in their eyes that comes with doing something mundane for 40 hours a week. It was quite literally just another day in the office.
But then, as I exited a meeting, my coworker - whom we’ll call Dave – asked a question that rocked me to my core. I’ve been asked some haunting questions in my professional career (“Want to get salads for lunch?”, “Don’t you just love working here?” and even “Want to hang out after work sometime?”), but nothing that caught me off guard the way this one did.
“Hey, I went skydiving last weekend, want to watch the video later?”
…
Short answer, Dave? Absolutely not.
Longer answer? Absolutely not and why would you think I would want to do that?
You see, it’s nothing personal to Dave, it’s just, why would anyone want to watch anyone’s skydiving video? Skydiving isn’t a spectator’s sport. Much like my aunt taking a bubble bath, I’m sure it’s enjoyable for the person involved, but that doesn’t mean that anyone else needs to watch a video of it.
The only reason I would want to watch someone’s skydiving video is if it was an unsuccessful skydiving trip. If you show up to the office in a full body cast with a first draft of a lawsuit against a parachute company in hand, I’m absolutely in. Otherwise, it’s just a 5-minute-long reminder that gravity exists. And, based on the fact that Dave was standing in front of me alive and well, it appears that his trip was a roaring success.
You see, the problem with these videos that the skydiving companies make (yes, I’ve had to sit through them before) is that - similar to early 2000s romantic comedies - you pretty much know the entire plot before you even watch.
They all go something like this:
· 1980’s rock song that the company doesn’t have license to use starts playing
· Instructors ask the people skydiving how they feel
· “Really nervous, but excited!”
· Shot of the plane they’ll be jumping out of
· Plane takes off
· Footage of people looking nervous inside the plane as it flies
· A shot down to the ground to establish how high up they are
· Skydiver gives a thumbs up
· Instructors and skydivers jump out of plane
· A few minutes of people falling down to earth, but everyone’s in so much gear that it’s hard to tell who’s who and it’s incredibly difficult to see anyone’s facial expressions
· Parachutes go up
· Slow descent onto land
· Skydivers throw their hands up in excitement
· “Oh my gosh! That was crazy!!!”
· Post diving interview: “How did it feel?”
· “Amazing. I was nervous at first, but it was such a rush – I’m so glad I did it.”
· Extremely branded end card encouraging you to like the skydiving company on Facebook and recommend them to your friends
And so, I began to start giving Dave a vague, non-committal response to his initial proposition. But before I could get a word out, he me floored me yet again with a follow up:
“It’s 14 minutes long so just let me know when you’ve got some time”
You’ve got to be effing kidding me, Dave. I couldn’t make it through 14 minutes of the last Transformers movie – how on earth am I supposed to watch 14 minutes of a promotional video of you falling out of the sky? Do you know how much I could get done in those 14 minutes on a Tuesday in the office? (Not that much, honestly, I find there to be a lot of distractions now that I’m back in the office after working from home for so long, but that’s beside the point).
And so, with all that in mind, I replied to Dave the way that anyone would:
“Yeah, sure man, just come by later and we can watch.”
Son of a bitch. In that moment I wished that I could unsuccessfully skydive off the office roof. My desire to be a good, non-confrontational coworker trumped my remarkable lack of interest in skydiving videos. The parachute in my brain that’s supposed to save me from saying yes in these scenarios failed to open.
After Dave walked away, I spent the rest of the afternoon on edge, knowing that he could arrive any minute with a smile on his face and a terribly edited montage ready to go. Around 3:45 he came to put me out of my misery and asked if it was a good time. Naturally, I told him “Absolutely”, and before I knew it a New Jersey skydiving company’s logo was in my face, and the guitar intro from Thunderstruck began to play.
After 14:37 of suffering through exactly the video that I listed out above (except that we watched them jump out of the plane from like 5 different camera angles), I lied through my teeth and told Dave how cool it was and that I should go sometime. He made me pull up the Facebook page and showed me how easy it is to book. By then I was completely broken, and would do anything for the interaction to be over…even taking Dave’s advice and “just getting it on the calendar”.
I’ll make sure to share the video with you guys after my New Jersey skydiving experience in October.