Students, Parents, and Teachers,
As I’m sure you all know, I have declared an executive order preventing schools in Florida from requiring attendees to wear masks this year as we continue to navigate the “pandemic” that we’re allegedly going through.
But because I love the great state of Florida so much I didn’t stop there. I have created several new rules for the 2021 school year that districts must comply with in order to secure state funding. With these rules in effect, I’m confident that we can have a normal school year and maintain our position as one of the 45 best states to get an education in in the US.
As Floridians, we’re not going to let anyone tell us how to handle ourselves. And with that said, here are the new rules I will be enforcing this year:
All schools must serve lunch buffet-style
It’s time to recreate a sense of community and sharing among our children.
All staff and students must come to the auditorium every morning for announcements rather than their home rooms
Any school that holds video or intercom announcements will lose access to electricity for the week.
All choirs must stand in a circle and sing directly towards each other
It should do wonders for the harmonies and the camaraderie.
If a student tests positive for Covid-19, their home room gets a pizza party
The student will be allowed to choose toppings.
Recess will exclusively be held indoors
We will not succumb to the pressures of the CDC.
Non-contact sports are not allowed
If you’re more than 6 feet away from someone else at any time, that sport has been canceled.
Every student must kiss their teacher upon walking into class
No on-the-cheek crap either – we want it smack on the lips.
Vaccinated students and staff will be required to drink from separate water fountains
The last thing we need is their tainted breath getting all over our water fountains.
Effective immediately, all school nurses are fired
There’s no sense in having “medical professionals” around trying to tell our kids what to do. We will use the money from the nurses’ salaries to fund the heating trays for the buffets.
If you all can comply with these simple rule changes, we can have a free, unhealthy school year the way that our lord and our founders intended. Let’s all do our part to let Covid-19 run its natural course in the great state of Florida.
Love,
Governor Ronny
PS – Very funny of all of you to tank my approval rating in the latest round of polling as a prank. You guys got me good!