I was fortunate enough to receive an advanced copy of the script of Elon Musk’s SNL monologue before he went live. Here it is:
Crowd cheers, band plays
Thank you, thank you. It’s wonderful to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
I want to start things off by apologizing to the many disappointed faces I see in the audience tonight. It seems that many of you thought Ellen was hosting not Elon. Haha. I promise I’m much nicer backstage than she is, though.
You know, so many people have asked me this week if I’m nervous to be hosting – and you know what I tell them? I’m not nearly as nervous about hosting as the Tesla board is. Haha.
It’s truly an honor to be making history hosting SNL tonight. While the show has been hosted by many great comedians, it turns out that I’m the first co-meme-ian to host…Haha.
A lot of people have speculated that I’m going to be a more tame version of myself this week and try and be politically correct. After all, the country is so split on so many topics now that it would make sense to try and play it straight. Oh, and speaking of PC and splits, can you guys believe that Bill Gates news? Haha.
As many of you know, I’m married to my partner, Claire, who is known as Grimes to music fans. It’s funny, sometimes I even call her Grimes at home, too. You know what else I call Grimes? New York City! Haha.
It’s really fantastic to be here in New York City. Of course, I made sure to stop and get some of that famous New York pizza this week. I had so much of it.
crowd cheers
It turns out that even though I’m affiliated with Tesla I can still have gas.
crowd is silent
Haha.
You know, while I was walking around this week, it crossed my mind that Tesla could buy out all the cabs here and make them self-driving. Wouldn’t that be great? I would hate for New York City to lose its spirit, though, so I’d make sure to make all of them are self-honking, too. Haha.
As I’m sure some of you know, I had a son last year.
crowd cheers
People ask me all the time, “how do you manage to get any work done with a little one?”
“It’s simple” I always say, “…whenever he’s got too much energy for me I just turn his battery off”……..Haha.
My son’s name is spelled X-Æ-A-Xii, so naturally, people are always asking me how to pronounce it. Despite how complicated it looks it’s actually quite simple, it’s just pronounced “Kenan”
*Kenan Thompson appears on stage.
crowd cheers
Kenan: Did somebody say my name?
Elon: Oh hi, Kenan. No, I was just making a joke about how to say my son’s name.
Kenan: I bet it was hilarious.
Elon: It was. Haha. Hey Kenan, while you’re here, do you have any tips for me for hosting?
Kenan: Now wait a minute, you’re one of the ten richest people on the planet, and you’re asking me for tips?
Elon: Haha.
Kenan: Haha.
Elon: Very funny stuff. Hey, I was wondering, I heard rumors that some of the cast was planning on boycotting this episode. What am I supposed to do without a cast?
Kenan: Man, you figured out how to drive a car without people, I’m sure you can figure out how to host without a cast.
Elon: Haha. Too funny.
Elon and Kenan awkwardly exchange a hug and Kenan exits stage
Hey, is anyone here tonight from Brooklyn?
several audience members cheer and raise their hands
Oh, awesome. Remind me to get all of your numbers after the show tonight, I’m going to need your help gentrifying Mars.
crowd genuinely laughs
You know, I was talking to some of the cast backstage earlier, and she told me that things are heating up and we’re headed for our second consecutive Hot Girl Summer…
So, I guess there’s the proof we need that global warming is happening. Haha.
crowd begins to actively frown
Despite all my achievements in space, the one thing young people are constantly asking me about a hyperlink train so they can quickly get from city to city. You know, it’s really a sign of times changing, because back in my day young women never seemed to enjoy a high-speed rail.
crowd nervously chuckles
Haha. We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight. I’m here. Molly Cyrus is here. And Joe Rogan is here to help make me seem more likable and human. Stick around!
Elon puts his arms over his head and pretends that he’s a rocket blasting off and goes into the crowd to simulate a failed launch