As you may have heard, Governor Mike Dewine of Ohio got his Willy Wonka on this week and announced that 5 people who were vaccinated in Ohio would win 1 million dollars each later this month. As someone that was vaccinated in Ohio who understands probability, this was great news. It seems like a safe bet to assume that I am definitely going to be one of the winners - how could I not be?
As such, I opened up a credit card this week and began to spend my million. And while I had a slight urge to spend it all on cryptocurrency and gasoline that I could resell, I opted to make sure I spent my million within the state as a token of my gratitude for this very easy to win lottery system. Here’s what I’ve purchased so far:
A chain of local car dealerships so I can put the annoying ones out of business
A suite at Great American Ballpark that exclusively serves mini corn dogs
The remnants of the original Touchdown Jesus that burned down so that I can repurpose it into modern art
Pete Rose’s autograph
An Amish woodworking shop that will make furniture for me on demand
A roller coaster that begins at Cedar Point and ends at Kings Island so riders get off and don’t realize they’re in a different amusement park
Grandpa’s Cheese Barn
A dedicated park bench with my name on the plaque in every single park in the state
A single restaurant in Cincinnati that serves normal chili so they at least consider the fact that what they’ve been consuming is insane
A massive drum that I can play at Indians* games that’s even louder than the drum that other guy plays so I can drown the sound of his out
A personal driver that waits at Buckeye Donuts that I can text anytime I want him to bring me a fresh donut
A collection of Frisch’s Big Boy statues that I can put in my front yard like garden gnomes
A great deal of property because sea levels are rising and in the mid 21st century there’s going to be a mass exodus from coastal cities and the wealth of the US is gradually going to move inland
A mall that just sells things for normal prices but I call it an outlet mall and people flock to it because they convince themselves it’s a good deal
A series of flights to Kansas City for Thom Brennaman
A black market truck of additional vaccines so I have more chances to win in the coming weeks
I know there are a lot of readers from Ohio, so if there's something else you think I should buy to stimulate the economy, do let me know. Also, Governor Dewine, please let me know if you plan on taxing the $1 million as it may impact a couple purchases I make. Additionally, Governor Dewine, please send an email to let me know that I won - your calls don’t seem to be going through as I haven’t heard anything yet. Thanks.