Welcome to Laugh Through the Payne. I hope everyone enjoyed a lovely Valentine’s Day weekend with their sweeties. Let’s get to it.
What the Hell Happened This Week?
The 92nd annual Oscars took place last Sunday, and the night was full of upsets - none bigger than Parasite becoming the first foreign language film to win the Best Picture award. The Korean drama revolves around a struggling family obtaining a stone that’s supposed to be good luck, and their eventual attempt at gaining financial stability. Combined with what happened in the justice world, you could say it was a really good week for lucky Stones!
People were confused by the amount of musical acts at the Oscars, and none puzzled the audience more than Eminem being selected to perform. What most failed to realize is that Eminem’s performance was a tribute to last year’s Best Picture winner, Green Book, another story of a white guy that’s only famous because of black musicians.
One of the most surprising developments of Sunday was that despite being nominated in 10 different categories, Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman did not win a single award. The Oscars did honor the film, though, by running a half hour too long.
In other film news, the new Harley Quinn movie, Birds of Prey, had a bad showing in its first weekend at the box office. In order to try and salvage ticket sales, the studio elected to change the name of the film and incorporate the comic book element into its title. This is not the first case of a studio changing to a comic book name to increase sales, as Amazon has found a ton of success with their hit show Marvel Miss Maisel.
Speaking of Amazon, Jeff Bezos bought the biggest residential property in all of Los Angeles on Thursday, a mansion sitting on 9 acres of land. The home isn’t in a great location, but with Bezos’s purchase, it immediately became Prime real estate.
Ride share giant Uber disappointed shareholders once again this week as they reported $8 billion in losses for 2019. The board wasn’t thrilled with the executive team’s performance, but opted to give them 5 stars anyway.
A silly trend swept across the internet on Tuesday as the Earth’s gravitational pull allowed brooms to stand up on their own. Feeling neglected and forgotten as the brooms stole the show, many mops decided to get bangs.
The New York City Health Department rolled out new packaging for their condom wrappers, and opted for a Subway-inspired design. The Subway is a fitting inspiration for a bedroom tool, as you never have to worry about it coming early.
Aspiring male romper company RompHim officially went out of business this week as they were unable to get the trend to ever catch on. The company likely would’ve gone under sooner, but was able to stay afloat thanks to their lack of waist.
A famous Candian musician was devastated on Wednesday as movers dropped and wrecked her one-of-a-kind $194,000 piano. A tuner was brought in to check the instrument’s remaining functions, but was unable and deemed the piano damaged beyond repair. However, based on the cuts on his hand, I think it’s safe to assume the piano was a bit sharp.
A 2020 Valentine’s Day Poem
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Do you have corona?
Or just the regular flu?
You look pretty in that mask
It makes your eyes look so green
I’d love to hold your hand
If you promise it’s clean
Dinner would’ve been nice
But I’m glad we’re here instead
Who knew it’d be so romantic
In a hospital bed?
Oh here comes the nurse
Maybe she’s got good news!
How bad could it be?
You were only on a cruise
They dragged me out of the room
The nurse was incredibly mean
She hung a sign on the door
That read “Quarantine”
But I’ll be back, my love
They can’t keep us apart
You may have corona
But you’ve also got my heart
Same time next week, everyone. Send any questions, comments, or general affection to laughthroughthepayne@gmail.com
