Hello and welcome to another edition of Laugh Through the Payne! Before we get to any of this week’s jokes, I’ve got a bit of self-promoting to do.
After months of hard work, a comedy play that I wrote, National Treasure: Remastered will be making its debut on stage here in NYC! The show is at 9pm next Saturday (2/29) and tickets are on sale now. Not only did I write and direct it, but I’ll be making my acting debut too - if nothing else the chance of that going terribly is worth the price of admission. There are still some tickets on sale, so if you’re in NYC or know someone that is, the support would be greatly appreciated. Here’s the link to buy tickets:
Enough about that, though, it’s been quite the week. Let’s get to it.
What the Hell Happened This Week?
The gloves came off at the Nevada Democratic debate on Wednesday as the candidates ruthlessly attacked one another. No duo was more contentious than Indiana’s Pete Buttigieg and Minnesota’s Amy Klobuchar, whose disdain towards each other has become uncomfortably apparent. If the two aren’t able to keep it civil in the next debate, they’re going to have to get physical and settle the score the old-fashioned Midwestern way - by wrestling in a pool of ranch.
No one had a better debate than Senator Elizabeth Warren, whose performance was so strong that she reported a record-breaking $4 million in campaign contributions on Thursday alone. While that $4 million is great, it’s not nearly valuable as the $20 she left the debate stage with after taking Mayor Bloomberg’s lunch money on national TV.
Senator Warren openly hates billionaires, but we saw the potential good they can do this week as Jeff Bezos donated an astounding $10 billion of his personal wealth to combat climate change. While the donation is incredibly generous, I’m skeptical that Bezos will be able to save the planet, as he’s never even been able to get control of his own environment.
Another billionaire, Richard Branson, made news this week as Virgin announced that they’ll be launching a line of adult-only premium cruises called Scarlet Lady. If you’re looking to be near water and surrounded by orgy-ish energy and adults who don’t know what to do with their money - it’s the perfect option. For those looking to get all those same qualities without paying a premium, just go to any TGI Friday’s bar after midnight.
A new book by a tech journalist reveals that Facebook CEO reportedly has an assistant blow-dry his armpits before every public appearance in hopes that he’ll appear “cool” and “dry”. The cool part still needs some work, but every time I’ve heard him speak he’s nailed the dry part.
The engineering community mourned the loss of an icon this week as Larry Tesler passed away at 74. Tesler was best known as the inventor of the Cut, Copy, and Paste functions, so if his eulogy sounds familiar it’s his own fault.
Last year, a purse from the 1950s was found between lockers of an Ohio high school, and this week the school finally unveiled its contents - some cash and a few personal items. Appraisers have actually deemed the bag more valuable now than in the 50s - as although the money inside has lost value, after inflation the purse is nearly as big as a suitcase.
Due to fears of the Coronavirus spreading, the Tokyo Marathon was forced to cut thousands of participants and limit its field to a few hundred world-class runners. Ironically, world-class running may also be a sign that you’ve got Coronavirus.
Parents in Jackson, Georgia threw a unique birthday party for their daughter, dressing her and her friends like Target employees and renting out one of their stores. The parents seem to have misinterpreted their daughter’s wish - when she said “put on targets and run around a warehouse”, she just meant she wanted to go play laser tag.
A study from London discovered that eating fast food immediately decreases men’s testosterone levels and lowers their sperm count. So if you were looking for a sign that the universe has gone insane, Chick-fil-A is apparently selling birth control.
An American institution took a big hit as the Boy Scouts of America officially filed for bankruptcy this week. But don’t you worry about the Boy Scouts, if anyone is able to find a loophole it’s the guys that spend 15 years learning to tie knots.
One Simple Fix For the NBA All Star Game
Re-energized by its new format, last Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game was one of the best we’ve ever seen. The final minutes featured 10 of the best players in the world, playing hard, with real stakes involved. It was publicly acclaimed as basketball at its highest level.
But I’m not so convinced that’s true. While the middle of February always marks the NBA All Star Break, it also marks another event in the basketball timeline: the end of the high school season. I’m not so sure the best competition in the world isn’t playing in those games.
If you think I’m talking about the nation’s top recruits who could go straight to the pros if given the option, you couldn’t be more incorrect. No, no, I’m talking about high school basketball managers.
Since the advent of social media, each year towards the end of the season, countless videos are released of high school basketball managers who weren’t good enough to make the team getting to play in one of the team’s final games. And while they may not have been good enough to make their respective teams, according to the videos I see on Facebook, these kids come in and play like the best players on the planet.
The form on their jumpers is often ugly – some kids launch it like a trebuchet, others have the special ability to make it look like they’re shooting something much heavier than a basketball. But the outcome is always the same – buckets. So, I have just one request:
Instead of the 10 best NBA players playing in the All-Star Game next year, I’d like the 5 best players to face off against 5 randomly selected high school basketball managers. Despite the team likely coming in at an average of 5’5 and 112lbs, I’m confident that they could use their special manager powers and give the world’s best a heck of a game. If nothing else, they should be very well-rested.
That’s all for this week! Thanks for continuing to spread the word and I hope to see some of you at the show on Saturday. Same time next week.
Send any comments, questions, or general affection to laughthroughthepayne@gmail.com