Welcome to March’s final edition of Laugh Through The Payne. No one knows what day it is anymore, so consider it a miracle that I remembered to put this out this morning. Let’s get to it.
What the Hell Happened This Week?
As the economy screamed to a halt, a record 3.3 millions Americans filed for unemployment this week - crushing the previous high of 659,000. But hey, there’s no reason to be worried - I’m sure our leaders will be incredibly sympathetic during an unemployment crisis. There would only be cause for worry if, say, our country was being run by a guy whose tagline was “You’re fired”.
A report came out on Saturday that President Trump reached out to former Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez to discuss how the president has been handling the Coronavirus. The meeting went great, and Rodriguez reportedly even gave some ideas about how to turn the economy around. Unsurprisingly, Rodriguez’s ideas were mainly focused on growth and injection.
Companies across the country have been stepping up to help the medical professionals who are carrying us through this crisis, including Krispy Kreme, who offered a free dozen donuts to any worker in the medical field. Many nurses have taken advantage of the deal, and given the shortage of medical supplies, some have had to start using bear claws as gloves.
The MLB’s apparel manufacturer announced this week that they will be ceasing production of jerseys and instead be using that material to create masks to donate to hospitals. Every team in the league agreed to the mask-making plan except for the Pirates, who were adamant about making eye patches instead.
The MLB wasn’t alone in repurposing their material, as New Balance also announced that they will be making special masks in their factories. While it appears to be a nice gesture, I can’t help but think that this is business-motivated, as the death charts for Covid-19 look eerily similar to the consumer charts for New Balance.
Masks aren’t the only way companies are stepping up to the plate to help with this issue, as Dyson announced that they’ve created a new ventilator and will be donating 15,000 of them to hospitals across the country. The ventilator has already passed the strict testing of the FDA and has even passed the most important test at Dyson - scaring the shit out of dogs.
Nets guard/part time philosopher Kyrie Irving announced this week that he’ll be donating 30,000 Beyond Burgers to the New York Food Bank to help those in need. The donation should come as no surprise, as it’s part of a larger initiative for Irving - to try and flatten every curve he can find.
The US Postal Service released a statement on Friday saying that at the current rate, they will not be able to financially sustain mail delivery for much longer. USPS said that this financial dilemma has nothing to do with Coronavirus, but rather some new, unfamiliar technology called “email”.
While most have been focused on how age affects the body’s response to Covid-19, new information is showing that sex is having an impact too, as nearly 60% of the deaths thus far have been males. A highly contagious disease spreading faster through males should come as no surprise, as there’s no such thing as sis hugs.
As if things weren’t bad enough already, the shutdown of Chinese labs has caused an underproduction of the chemicals that are used to make meth, heroin, and fentanyl. As a result, the prices of the opioids are reportedly spiking on the black market. we’ve got to use that $1200 on something!
Masked Zach: Fury Road
I had to make a drive. I found myself at the center of the chaos and knew that getting out may end up being a matter of life and death. Getting my hands on a car would be the only way out - I anxiously waited as they lowered my ride down from above.
(A lot of people in New York have Coronavirus and I figured it was a good idea to leave, but the only way I could get out was renting a car. It was on a different floor of the Enterprise so they had to put it on the car elevator.)
The situation I was leaving in the capital was dire. There were shortages of food, water, and the people were unwell. The place I called home wouldn’t recognize itself.
(A few grocery stores were picked over, but there was plenty of water. I just tried not to drink too much before I started my drive because who wants to stop and pee all the time, ya know?)
I had to drive some of the most difficult stretches of road in the world. It was narrow and dangerous, and the cliffs were ready to crumble at any point.
(Like half the drive is on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Ugh, so boring. It’s only 2 lanes for a lot of the way and occasionally there’s a sign that says to look out for falling rock.)
In order to make it the length of my ride I’d have to get creative with gasoline - I was left with no choice.
(A couple rest stops and gas stations along the turnpike were closed so I had to go a few miles further than expected, but that was no issue at all! My Elantra got excellent mileage!)
My ride wouldn’t have been possible without the incredible company I had alongside me. Journeys like this are only possible with a world class talent.
(I was a few episodes behind on the Bill Simmons Podcast so I listened to a few of those. Really helped pass the time!)
I knew getting there wouldn’t be without it's challenges. As we entered the main stretch, we began to battle not only the road, but the elements, too.
(Ran into like 20 minutes of showers south of Columbus - looks like those April showers are starting early!)
When I finally arrived at the Green Place, I was greeted with open arms, but I didn’t lunge into them. I didn’t want the glory from the journey - this was about more than me. One journey was over, but a new one was just beginning.
(When I finally got back to my parents’ it stunk because I’d like to hug them, you know? But we resisted and I unpacked and isolated in the bedroom they set up for me. This is life now.)
I’m back in Ohio at my parent’s place. Thanks to everyone who has reached out and been worried about me - looks like I gout out of NYC just in time. I’ll say it every week until we’re in the clear - everyone stay safe and healthy. Same time next week.
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