Over the last couple weeks, the NBA Playoffs have reminded us just how important fans are to the live-sports atmosphere. Already, there have been countless electric moments that have been amplified by the sound of thousands of mask-less fans cheering at the top of their lungs.
But, unfortunately, a year of being cooped up has led to some fans getting a bit too excited and acting unruly at games. There have been at least 5 well-documented incidents already in the first round at various arenas, and it’s really terrible that one bad fan has the ability to ruin an entire fanbase’s reputation. Banning them from the stadium, suing, and other obvious solutions still don’t seem to be discouraging this behavior, so I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with some alternative punishments that would discourage fans from acting out of line. Let’s begin.
1 on 1 Meetings with the Player they Bothered…
in the Octagon, without a referee to stop things. If you throw popcorn at Russell Westbrook, you must fight Russell Westbrook in a cage match and let him do to you what he desires.
Take them to the Court…
and hand them a pack of Q-Tips and industrial size bottles of cleaner and polish. Tell them that the only way they’ll ever be allowed back at a game is if they clean every square inch of the court.
Stop Selling Alcohol…
at every store, bar, or other establishment within 25 miles of the fan’s home. If they want a drink in any form, they’ll have to go at least 26 miles from home. And, while it’s unfortunate that anyone else who lives near the unruly fan will be punished in this case, fanhood is a communal experience so it’s only right that the entire community be punished.
Spend a Week in the Player’s Shoes…
and socks, and entire game-worn, unwashed uniform. For an entire week, they must wear the player they bothered’s uniform and deal with the consequences. Not only will the fan look ridiculous from not filling out the jersey (99% of people don’t have the physique to look good in tanktops), they also will have a grown man’s must on them for an entire week – which is sure to disgust their coworkers and loved ones alike.
Lifetime Ban…
from all sports games, concerts, or any other extracurricular events of the fan’s children. That’s right - if you act out at an NBA game, you’re no longer allowed to attend any of your children’s milestone moments. While this punishment obviously only works for unruly fans with children, it’s almost sure to lead to divorces for those it applies to.
Charge Them a Hefty Fine…
at every home game. For every hefty person that attends a future home game, the unruly fan is charged an amount - let’s call it $1000. So, if at the next home game there are 18,500 attendees, and 3,500 of them are considered hefty, the fan will be charged $35,000. We’ll let the teams decide what exactly qualifies as hefty, as it may depend on region, but there’s no doubt there will be plenty of heft for this punishment to sting.
Move Them to a Different Row…
called Death Row. That’s right. If you act out at an NBA game, we’ll take you from your row in the stadium straight to the electric chair. It may be harsh, but so is getting spat on by someone who’s watching you play basketball.
I know I’m not the first person to recommend many of these punishment ideas, but clearly we need to put some of them into action as the current consequences don’t seem to be discouraging the fans. Here’s to hoping we have an incident-free second round and no one has to pay these hefty fines.