The world’s largest index finger, Jeff Bezos, announced this week that he and his brother will be flying to space together in Bezos’s new space travel company’s inaugural flight. The announcement is being praised as a new gold standard for the lengths divorced guys will go to to convince their exes they’re doing fine without them.
Jeffrey Toobin, the CNN contributor famous for masturbating on Zoom last year, finally made his return to work this week after stepping away due to his scandal. Unfortunately, Toobin’s first day back wasn’t well received as he sent out a company-wide email that he was happy to be back and “ready to get cranking again”.
A bombshell hit the NFL world this week when a friend of Texans Quarterback Deshaun Watson said that Watson would approve a trade to the Denver Broncos. The story is huge news, as it shows that Watson does understand what it means to give consent.
A nun in California was busted this week after it was discovered that she’d been funneling money from the elementary school she worked at to pay for her gambling addiction. The news came as a bit of a surprise to her fellow teachers, but it did explain why her list of favorite bible verses always looked so funny.
More than 17 million salmon were released into the bay in San Francisco in an attempt to repopulate the area and prevent a potential extinction. Scientists said that while it may be an upstream battle, they’re confident the quantity can save the species as long as The Rock doesn’t come to town for dinner.
At the G7 Summit in the UK, President Biden gifted Prime Minister Boris Johnson a custom, $6,000 bike made at a shop in Biden’s home state of Pennsylvania. I’m no politician but spending $6000 to tell a foreign leader he got fat in the pandemic doesn’t exactly seem like diplomacy to me.
After making it more than 5 months into 2021 without incident, the United States had its first case this year where someone died after being struck by lightning. The police who were on the scene said the occurrence was truly a shocker.
Magawa, a bomb-sniffing rat from Cambodia, retired this week after more than 5 years of being one of the best bomb-detectors in the world. By the look of Magawa’s new home he’s being moved to, I think it’s safe to say he’s going to really enjoy retirement.
A new study done by The Guardian showed that 55% of adults in the United Kingdom watched porn while at home last year during the pandemic. In unrelated news, a new study from the UK said that 45% of adults felt they got better at lying during the pandemic.
Dolly Parton announced this week that she’s putting more than $500 million towards renovations for DollyWorld. The half billion-dollar bill comes just short of the $600 million Parton has spent on renovations to her upper body.
A report from leaked IRS documents obtained in secret showed that the billionaires in the United States have paid, and continue to pay, little to nothing in personal taxes. “Well duh, how else do you think we afford the spaceships?” said Jeff Bezos when asked for comment.
A member of the Japanese Olympic Committee died this week after jumping in front of a train in protest of the cancellation of the Tokyo Olympics. There’s no word yet if it was a broad jump or a high jump.
Burger King took shots at Chick Fil A this week as they launched their new chicken sandwich this week in tandem with a series of donations to LQBTQ organizations. While it’s great that they’re donating, I’m not sure this is the demographic I’d be trying to appeal to with my fried sandwiches.
Renowned blogger, Donald Trump, announced this week that he and Bill O’Reilly will be launching a national speaking tour in the coming weeks. A spokesman for the duo said the hope for the tour is to draw an even more white people than this summer’s Fall Out Boy and Weezer joint tour.
United Airlines became the third major airline to announce that they will not be hiring workers moving forward that are not vaccinated for Covid-19. While controversial, it’s an understandable decision, because what could be worse than an unvaccinated person spitting their droplets all over your cockpit?