Unreal News 5/31/21

A Quiet Place 2 scores 98% on Rotten Tomatoes Thanks to Impressive Dialogue

Eric Carle Found Dead at 91, Police Find Farm of Starved Caterpillars in His Home

Fan Who Spat on Trae Young at MSG Apologizes to Knicks Fanbase for not Hitting Him More Directly

Matt Gaetz Vows He Will Run for President in 2024 as Long as He’s Not in Jail

Kim Kardashian Fails BAR Exam, Suggests She May Pivot to Brain Surgery

Amazon Says Acquisition of MGM Won’t Affect Content Except for Whole Foods Fight Scene in New Bond Movie

Omaha Elementary School’s Earth Club Apologizes for Falling Short of Goal to Reduce China’s Fossil Fuel Emissions

Marjorie Taylor Greene Says Aside from Agreeing with the Holocaust She’s got Nothing Against Jews

Bill Gates Says He’s Having Difficulty Finding a Companion with a Similar Lifestyle

Andrew Yang Announces He Takes a Tour of Crown of Statue of Liberty Every Morning Just like All New Yorkers Do

Baker Mayfield Wins First Round of Ohio’s Vax A Million, Says He’s Going to Buy a New Bicycle

Hanes Announces New Line of Bras That are Sized by Fluid Ounce Volume

Boris Johnson Reveals He Didn’t Understand what Brexit was Until Watching Several YouTube Videos

Phil Mickelson Celebrates PGA Win by Talking About How Far Winnings Would Have Gone Back in His Day

“Do I Have to Get the Haircut?” Asks Kelly Clarkson After Learning She’s Taking Over Ellen’s Time Slot

Austin Police Department Trained Dogs to Smell Covid-19 Cells as Long as They’re Coated in Peanut Butter

Spirit Airlines Launches New Extra Basic Economy Where You Can Sit in Overhead Bins

Kim Kardashian Fails BAR Exam, Suggests She May Pivot to Brain Surgery

American Diabetes Association Awards Sonic with Highest Honor for Their Years of Contributions

New Friends Reunion Features Lengthy Arc About How the Characters Were 8 Months Behind on Rent

Xi Jingping Launches Counter-Investigation to Determine if Covid 19 Originated in an Arizona Meth Lab

Emma Stone, New to Method Acting, Regretting Adopting 101 Dalmatians to Prepare for Role

Punishment Ideas for Unruly NBA Fans

A Letter to Management Regarding Continuing Remote Work